visitor analysis

A Tale of Two Tailors


Maurice Green

Was fast and mean

Withe a sewing machine

There was no one better

He and his mate

Monty were the greatest

Tailors there were

They’d suit you Sir

In silk or wool or leather

They were a nice little double act

The funny man, the straight man

The quiet man, the great man

They were a cut above the rest,

Morrie and Monty were the best


Now let me explain

In the garment game

You’ve got to have a brain

A brain for the business

Well Monty he had that

But it was Maurice who had the knack

Like a knife through butter

He could cut a bit of schmutter

Slicker and quicker than a mohel at a bris does

They were a nice little double act

The yang and the yin

The Beth and the Din

They were well and truly blessed

Morrie and Monty were the best


They met on the boat from Hamburg

And on it they made a vow

In a mixture of Russian and Polish and Yiddish

They stood like Leonardo Di Caprio did - ish

On the Titanic bough


We’re gonna be Kings of the World

We’ll show them you’ll see

We’re gonna be Kings of the World

Kings of the World aren’t we?




All they had on that boat

Was a crumpled up note

In the pocket of their coat

That they couldn’t even read

On it was the address

Of an uncle or cousin of theirs

Who’d resettled form the schtetl

In Manchester or Leeds


So in a poor part of town

In a sweat-shop underground

They’d dream of the sound

The sound of cash-registers

Morrie and Monty

Like the brothers Delfont see

Cuban cigars

Rolls Royce cars

Their names above the doors of community centres


They were a nice little double act

Like Spencer and Marks

The sum of parts

Was more than you could ever guess

Morrie and Monty were the best


They beg and they steal and they borrow

They’re wily they’re clever and strong

In a mixture of Russian and Polish and Yiddish

They take on the orders, they’re thinking is big-ish

They’re singing their company song


It goes: We’re gonna be Kings of the World

We’ll show them you’ll see

We’re gonna be Kings of the World

Kings of the World aren’t we?


One night while Morrie lay asleep in his bed

A shaft of light came through the window

And a voice in his head

In a mixture of Russian and Polish and Yiddish

And some Hebrew that he recognised from when he’d made kiddish

Said ‘I am the God of your father’s, kid

I delivered you from Egypt I did

And to Adam and Eve I sent a snake, kid

So they’d realise that they were naked

And for you I did this favour

So that people should always need a tailor!

And tonight I plant in you a seed

A simple yet a brilliant idea

And woe betide you I guarantee

If you forget it was me that put it here’


But sure enough the very next day

He shouted out ‘Eureka, Hooray!

Eureka, I’ve got it, the pattern and the stitch

Eureka, I’ve got it, I’m gonna be rich!’


He said ‘ The buttons on the jacket,

On the jacket or the coat can spoil the line

And the lady, or the gentleman

Might not really like that all the time.

If I can make a long, extended seam or flap

The buttons can be hidden underneath the overlap

How come nobody’s ever though of that?

That is a great idea


That is a great idea,

I’d better file a patent right away

That is a great idea,

I feel like a genius today

If I can make a long, extended seam or flap

Every other tailor will doth his cap

I really am a very clever chap

That is a great idea


Well Monty (the other one)

Was very very jealous

After all he was supposed to have the brains

He started fiddling about with the tassels on his tallas

You could see the bulging of his temple veins


He said ‘That ain’t a great idea

You leave the thinking to me.

Everybody knows ‘round here:

Your brain is the size of a pea

You get back to the treadle of your Singer Deluxe

And leave me to the business of making the bucks

You don’t want us looking like a couple of schmucks

That ain’t a great idea’


Oy Gevalt!  Oy veysmir!

We will never really know what happened here

But before you could say

‘I’ll have a bagel with schmear’

Monty stole that idea

And from it he made a killing

And Morris was left with chopped egg on his face

And he never got a scheckel or a shilling


He said ‘Monty, you have conned me,

How could you stitch me up like this

Monty said ‘Morrie, I’m very sorry,

But it’s a cut throat business this is’


Oy Gevalt!  Oy Veysmir!

For every moment of joy there’s a corresponding tear

Their lives like ours, full of jealousy and fear

Morris went to his grave bearing a grudge

And as for Monty: God will also be his judge


Now, Morris he begat Asney

Asney begat Ruth, begat me

A mixture of Russian and Polish and Yiddish

Their lives and their hopes and their dreams don’t finish

They live on in you and in me

When I look in the mirror I see

A little bit of Monty and Morrie


They were the Kings of the World

Kings of the world in their day

They were the Kings of the World

Kings of the World weren’t they?