visitor analysis

There Are No Jews in Recklinghausen


When I got the invitation

To perform in Recklinghausen

I must admit

I was a little bit... surprised

For there are no Jews in Recklinghausen

As far as I know

And Jews is the subject

In which I specialise


Perhaps they had mixed up their facts

And nobody had actuallyseen my act

And they were thinking they were getting

Some other kind of Cabaret

For there are Jews in Reckleinghausen

What do you know

But not only did they want me,

But they were going to pay!


Of course I had my prejudice and issues with the Germans

And to Germany infact I’d never been

Despite the European Union

And its only  2 hours from Luton

Plus another 50 minutes

On the coach from Golders Green

Know what I mean


For there are no Jews in Reclinghausen anywhere

So why did God see fit to put me there

The annual Ruhrfestschpeile

Takes place in Recklinghausen

It’s an International Festival of the Arts


But there are no Jews in Recklinghausen

As far as I know

Though there used to be quite a few

Before Kyrstallnacht


They put my face on a poster

Next to a giant yellow star

And on the back of every bus you could see it clearly

The only Jew in Recklinghausen

Apart from one or two

But they are elderly Russians

And they’re not going to come out and hera me

Wistfully tell the stories of my Buube and my Zadie

And how much the world has changed

From the one they knew.

Whilst the the modern Germans tell me

That  can’t be held responsible

For anything that their grandparents did or didn’t do…

Do be dee do


I had my lyrics printed out in German

I was determined not to be misunderstood

But how could I be absolutely certain

That translation was any good?

It may as well have been gobbledygook

As far as I could tell

But fortunately my Germans could speak English only too well

It reminded me of that scene in the Great Escape

Whre Gordon Jackson speaks in Englis

To the Gestapo by mistake



And at every night a full house of Germans

Would laugh and cry and cheer

The Utas the Urmas the Heinzes thte Hemans

Singingin Oy Ga Valt and Oy veys mir

And nobody mentions

The elephant in the room

What’s the elephant in the room?

The elephant in the room

Had packed it’s trunk

And with the circus ran away

At least for that day



When I drove out of Recklinghausen

In my BMW estate

In my rear view mirror I saw a flashing blue light

And my heart was thumping

And the adrenalin was pumping

And I was not sure what I had done that wasn’t right


The policeman pulled me over

And as he got out of his car

Going through my mind was the theme from Schindlers List

He said’ We don’t see many Jews in Recklinghausen

But I so enjoyed your show last night

And would you mind signing this


Bizarre to say the least

To find that one of my CDs

Was being played by the Police

In their patrol car for a spell

So if you run a red light

In Recklinghausen

You just might

Fined my music being piped

Into your holding cell

Well well well


There were no Jews in Recklinghausen were there?

But now there’s Jewish music  everywhere!