Tip the Lady Out of Bed
It’s the late 1960s
It’s a family outing
To Battersea Pleasure Gardens
It’s definitely winter
It’s got to be the late afternoon
It’s dark and there’s a slither of a moon
There’s a hundred thousand multicoloured carnival lights
But my memory of seems to be in just black and white
There’s the rumbling and rushing
From the giant roller-coaster
At Battersea Pleasure Gardens
If I were a year or two older
I’d be on it like a flash that’s for sure
But you’ve got to be 12 or more
So we settle for the ghost train
And the bumper cars rides
Which my dad lets me drive whilst he covers his eyes
There was something in the air
I can still hear the sound of
Thunderclap Newman startin’
And all the fun of the fair
At Battersea Pleasure gardens
There are side stalls and stages and small shooting ranges
At Battersea Pleasure gardens
With a little bit of luck
You can hook a plastic duck
And win a prize
The kinds of things no one actually buys
An inflatable banana,
A green elephant, a flag
A lonely looking goldfish in a transparent bag
Just near the roller coaster
A crowd of people gather
At Battersea Pleasure Gardens
They’re watching and they’re waiting
But for what for I’m not able to tell
There’s a cheer and the sound of a bell
There’s the overpowering smell of cigarettes and beer
And some language that a little Jewish boy shouldn’t hear
I push to the front of the crowd
Kicking aside the empty burger cartons
With my mouth open wide
At Battersea Pleasure Gardens
Now let me describe the scene
It’s seven balls a shilling
If you want to try it
But under the rollercoaster juts
Instead of as row of coconuts
A woman in a bed
Yes you heard me right
Above the bed on the wall there’s a target
And if somebody hits the bulls eye
The bed tips up
The lady falls out
And she ain’t coconut shy
It’s a real live lady
In a polka dot bikini
Standing right in front of me
She wiggles and she shimmies and she shakes
Until my pupils are the size of Pontefract Cakes
She does a catwalk turn
She tilts her head
And in less than 7 seconds she’s back in the bed
Tip the lady, tip the lady
That’s what the sign said
Tip the lady, tip the lady
Tip the lady out of bed
Well I stood there for ages
Watching over and over
At Battersea Pleasure Gardens
With my dad right beside me
Doing exactly the same
Til my mum came along and dragged us away
And still carrying my gold fish
I listened to them row
Trying to make sense of the shame I felt now
Through the car back window
I watch the flashing letters of
Of Battersea Pleasure Gardens
Getting smaller and smaller
Like a television dot into the rain
We never went back there again
But now every time I hear a ringing bell sound
I see a girl in a bikini - or is it the other way round?
I just went there to play
But this risqué
Rated scene got thrown into the bargain
It made me the man I am today
Battersea Pleasure Gardens
A couple of years later
They closed the roller-coaster
At Battersea Pleasure Gardens
There was a terrible crash
And the fair was no longer fun at all
Now there’s just a plaque on the wall
Where the Tip the Lady Out of Bed stall used to be
And there’s the shadow of the ten year old me
The lady in the bikini lives in a retirement home
And ten year olds today
Have hardcore porn on their phone
Those days are gone
But the same old things go on ad infonatum
And so does this song
At Battersea Pleasure Gardens
Tip the lady, tip the lady
Still going round in my head
Tip the lady, tip the lady
Tip the lady out of bed